How did we become who we are

Have you ever thought about how you became who you are? Why you have the personality you do? Or have you ever looked backed as far back as a child and wondered how you changed from that to this?

Let me give you a personal example.  When I was a kid, before my parents divorce, I was a very happy child.  Then sometime after the divorce it seemed that I was always extremely mad or sad all the time.  I would say mean things to people and beat up on my siblings. Then when I would go to bed, I remember feeling like an awful person for being so mean and I would try to make sense of why I was so mad all the time.  When I could never find an answer, I was afraid there was something wrong with me.

Being sad was easier than being mad because when I was sad I would just cry it out and then just think of how my life could be worse and it would calm me. [Maybe this is why I'm always preparing for worst case scenarios?]  But I look at how I am now and I'm hardly ever mad or sad and I'm oddly optimistic.  Granted, I still have my moments just like everyone else.  But it's interesting to think about. I have a couple moments I think caused the turning point in not having such angry or sad emotions.

The first one was when I was probably in the 6th grade, or possibly Jr. High School, and we were with my Dad.  We were in the car and I was fighting and yelling with one of my siblings and my Dad calmly says something along the lines of "Why do you have to yell?" It made us stop yelling and think.  We tried to tell him why we were yelling and he just replied "Why can't you discuss it in normal voices, because yelling won't solve things any faster."  It was probably something that we had heard hundreds of times before but coming from my Dad, it seemed to have a different impact.  The other moment that I think had an impact on me is hard to remember exactly when or when it happened.  I just remember either hearing or coming across a saying that said something like, for every moment you spend upset is a moment of happiness you can never get back. [I don't take credit for this saying but I just can't remember where it came from or who said it].  I shortly came to the realization that life is too short to be sad all the time.  So I changed it.  It sounds too easy I know but, I just remember not liking how I felt about life and changed how I felt.  I think that I still use the "it could be worse" method a lot and I think it helps.  Because if you feel like you're having a bad day, think about how it could be worse and know that its possible someone else could be having a worse day.

I know this post is getting kind of lengthy but, I was just curious if anyone else ever thinks about how you became who you are.  

2nd Job

So I start my training for my second job on Monday...  I'm excited for the idea of having more money so that I can really start taking care of my debt so I the idea of getting a car or saving to buy a house won't be just dreaming.  Although I fear that I'll lose my free time, my me time.  The time I get during my week to forget everything else and just do the things I want to.  Especially since my job is burning me out more and more because I'm just tired of doing the same thing everyday.  I guess though if I can make enough money than I can pay off my debts and get a decent computer and afford design software so I can refine my creative design skills.  Then I might be able to amp up my creative portfolio and either do some free-lance work or start working for a company doing things that I really enjoy.  Don't get me wrong, in my current job I love the part that I get to help people.  What I don't like is feeling like I'm the bottom of the totem pole and not being appreciated or respected.  Granted I will probably feel that way no matter what position I am in unless I become some one's boss.  I did that once and it wasn't so bad but, then I just keep getting confronted with my largest flaw, I'm too nice.  Yes being too nice is a flaw and it's also probably why I feel trapped at my current job.

Even if I did find another job I feel like I wouldn't be able to just put in my two weeks and peace out.  It would take months to find and train another person to even just understand the surface of what to do. I suppose though if I keep getting treated the way I do then they will just give me ever reason I need to leave.  I'm a college graduate, I have a degree, and I was on the Dean's list my last 3 semesters of college.  I'm smart and talented.  I quit my last job because I felt that if I went to college than I should be doing a job that requires a college education, not a job you could get as a high school student.  But some how I'm still in a job where any responsible adult could handle, college degree or not.

The worst part is, there isn't much I can do about it right now.  I need the money and there are hardly any good paying entry level positions these days. Everyone wants someone with experience and I can't get experience if no one else will hire me.  Or the positions that are out there are purely sale based and I can't sell something to save my life.

All this talk is starting to be to depressing.  I'll start my second job, make enough money to pay off my debt, get that decent computer and design software, create an impressive portfolio, and start pursuing the career that I went to college for, a creative designer for advertising (if something else hasn't come along that I find that I love doing).  Until then, all I can do is take one day at a time and strive to be in a better spot than I am now a year from now. So I guess wish me luck as a start my second job and hope that my sanity stays in tact :)

Getting-Healthy Diet

I started a new food regimen yesterday.  It requires that I mix this incredibly nutritious soy mix into a shake/smoothie and have one for breakfast and lunch everyday for at least 30 days.  I am also suppose to eat "reasonable" snacks and have at least one reasonable meal (supper/dinner).  So far I've done such and I've even made it to the gym yesterday and today.  Although today driving back from the gym I drove past all these food places and I thought to myself what will I eat for lunch and it hit me.  I don't get to eat lunch, I'm suppose to drink lunch.  I won't get to eat breakfast either for another 28 days.  The shakes really aren't that bad, now that my boyfriend showed me how to make them.  It's the idea that I won't be able to actually "eat" breakfast or lunch for another month.  It'll be tough but I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be healthier.  After quitting my waitress job for an office job, I've gained a lot of weight and I know that my body is taking the toll because of it.  And after I'm done with these 30 days, I know that keeping the weight off and staying healthy will be even harder than this next month will be.  So here's to being done with day number 2, only 28 days more to go.  Wish me luck!

Small Moments

The other day I was getting out of my car and I experienced something that has happened to my once before.  It had been fairly windy all day.  It was night time and snow had started to gently fall.  I had parked my car and was getting ready to brace myself from the cold wind I would face when I stepped out of my car.  Instead I stepped out of my car and turned around and saw something marvelous.  I must have been a wind break because the snow was falling so slowing and the light in the parking lot was just in the right spot. I could make out the unique shapes of each snowflake.  It was so peaceful and beautiful that I almost cried.  Everything that seemed to be wrong or troubling just fell away and all there was peace.  

The only other time I remember a moment like that happening. I was a Freshman in high school and I was just getting home from play or speech practice. It was a brisk night but the stars were so bright and the sky was so clear.  In that moment too I can still remember the feeling of peace and I remember just feeling completely overwhelmed with the beauty of it all that I did cry.  I don't think I cried just because of the sight but also because I felt like a horrible person because there is an amazing and beautiful world out there and the things that took precedence over my concerns and worries, seemed so minuscule. 

I do know that both moments after I felt bad, I thanked God for all the wonderful things he had given me.  Now looking back on both incidents, maybe those moments were also little gifts from above.  Putting me in the right moment so I could take a moment and refocus myself on the things that are truly important in life. 

I just wanted to share these moments with you so that hopefully the next time to witness something beautiful in the world you can truly appreciate it for everything that it is.  

End of 2011

Ok so I know that everyone does the end-of-the-year reflections but I feel like this year I can look back at the year and for the first time since I was probably 15, I can look back and not feel horrible for something that I had done or feel sad about how something changed or turned out. Wow since I was 15... is that sad or what. That's 8 New Year's.  A lot of the things I did though brought me here and made me who I am so, for the most part I have to look at them as lessons, not regrets.  I used to be proud to say that I didn't have any regrets but, looking back, there is one thing that I do regret.  Something that I thought I could eventually forgive myself for and forget about it.  But unfortunately it will be something that I will always carry around with me. And it's sad that in this moment, of finally being able to look back at this year, 2011, and feel happy,  I have just now finally realized that I do regret it.  That's big.  But maybe knowing that I do regret something, I can just live that much more diligently trying to make sure I don't regret anything else.  So is the thing I regret doing really a regret or is it just another one of life's lessons?

It's funny because I started this blog with the intention of reflecting back on 2011 and be able to report that nothing absolutely horrible happened.  Instead of titling this blog "End of 2011" it should be title "Lessons or Regrets".  But that would mean my intention of this blog would have been to come out and talk about my lessons and regret and it wasn't.  It just sort of happened.  I've sort have lost everything I was going to reflect about now.  I think I've just blown myself away.  I must say though that I am extremely grateful for all the great things, no matter how small, that happened in 2011.  I know that sometimes I felt like I might not make it and it would've been easy to mope around and claim defeat but with great optimism and faith, I have survived another year of this crazy thing called life.   I hope that you have all had a great year as well.  And even though year end reflections can be kind of overdone, you might be surprised what you discover.

Happy New Year,
See ya in 2012!

Over Analyzing

Staring at my blank page once again, I have all these thoughts that I could put out there but then I find myself dismissing them before I even get a chance to start.  So I'm going to try to just start typing and see where my thought process leads me.

I think that the biggest issue I have is that I am constantly over thinking everything.  I usually a very optimistic person but really in my head I'm always thinking worst case scenarios.  It's a constant battle that I have with myself at least twenty times a day.  Does anyone else have that problem? And does anyone have that problem to the point that it effects the relationships you have with people? I feel like I'm constantly thinking worst case scenario when the smallest thing goes wrong.  I'll give you an example, you're out with a couple of your friends, you leave to go get another drink and when you're coming back to the place where your friends are you see that they're having an intense conversation but as soon as you get within ear shot they stop talking.  You ask them what they were talking about and they say "o nothing, just stuff about work."  You want to believe them and for the first couple of minutes you do. Until you start thinking about all the little details, the body language, the possibility that they could be really texting each other, "the vibe" they are now sending you.  But are they really sending you a bad vibe? Or do you just think they are because you think they were talking about you behind your back. You're able to get through the night with it just rolling off your shoulders but, when you get home or wake up in the morning, you can't help but overplay the events of the night into the smallest details and analyzing everything, (at least the parts you remember). 

Now I don't really have this problem too much anymore because 1) I don't go out very much anymore and 2) when I do it's just me and one other person so the chance of them talking behind my back is fairly slim. Unless.... they have another personality that I don't know about. I go through things like that on a daily basis, with my co-workers, my family, my boyfriend,  I'm just constantly over-analyzing everything.  And since I'm usually optimistic I try to tell myself that I'm wrong and that the worst case scenario is simply ridiculous but then I go back to the little detail that started me on the analyzing in the first place.  It's a vicious cycle but sometimes I wander if maybe I have another personality.  Either way, it's effecting some of the best relationships I have and something needs to change.

I putting this question out there feel free to ponder, feel free to comment, or/and feel free to never read this blog again because by the end of this you feel that you'll never get that 15 minutes back in you life.
How do you fix over analyzing your life without over analyzing?  Is it possible without going to a shrink?  Or should I just tell myself that it's who I am and the people in my life will just have to be patient with me if I come up with ridiculous scenarios when something minuscule happens?

Field must not be blank

Hello blog world,
First off I would just like to say that starting a blog is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be.  Originally, I thought it was just about finding the right URL and then you're set, you're off to start filling the Internet with all your thoughts and opinions.  It's so much more than that.  It's about the message you are trying to get across, the image you want to portray.  I suppose I knew all of these things before I wanted to start a blog but, when I was looking for a blog site to start on, they wanted me to choose all the important things first.  Like how I wanted to sign all my blogs, what the title of my blog should be.  But what if those things change as I'm writing, what if they aren't part of the message I'm trying to get across.  So instead of making my blogging more complicated than it needed to be, I decided to title my blog "A Blank Page."

I feel that it fits. It reminded me that a blog is empty until you put something in it.  Just like a piece of paper is blank until you put something on it. Whether it be your homework, notes, poems, a journal entry, a picture, it always starts blank and you get to decide what fills it.  I got the idea because I was so excited that I finally found the URL I wanted and then it told me I needed a blog title. Underneath the blog title it said "Field must not be blank." Which was about to be the title of my blog but I decided against it.  I almost just used my URL as my title but, I didn't want to cross any copyright lines since it is a lyric in a song. Can I even say what song it's in? Can I use the artist's name?  Hmm I guess I'll need to do some more research on that, maybe that Comm Law book that I kept from college will come in handy or maybe even that's a little outdated. 

Nevertheless, I have started on this blog journey and if you've read this far, thank you for joining me. I hope that my future blog posts keep you coming back for more. Also, please excuse the lack of info on the site, it is still under construction.