Hills

You know the drill. Sorry it has been so long blah blah blah.  Life has just been so crazy blah blah blah.  Well now that we have that out of the way... I really have missed writing  :)

Before you start reading, this post isn't about scary hills with pupils or drama filled beach scenes. It's about how I have come to realize there are life lessons in just about everything you do.  You just have to be open to them.

This January I started training for my first half marathon.  Before 2015 the longest distance I had ran was 3.1 miles. Now in a little under 3 weeks I will be running 13.1 miles! (I can't focus on this too much as it does make me emotional but I'll save that for another post). In my early days of training, I wanted to run on the flattest routes I could find.  Hills were evil, all they did was ruin my motivation. I tried complaining about the hills to my boyfriend and all he said was "They'll make you a better runner." All I could think was "Phish! what does he know." Maybe its because he already has 5 half marathons under his belt that what he said did have a little weight.  So I started trying to look at hills like they were a pill or supplement. The more hills I had, the better I would become (in moderation of course).

Now, whenever I run up a hill, I look at it like just another obstacle in life.  Life is filled with hills and downhills (also crests but I'll get to that). The uphills can sometimes seem daunting, impossible, and you may wish you could just avoid them all together. But if you just tell yourself that you will be a better person once you get over that hill, it makes the climb a little less horrible.  The down hills are great. When you have to climb up a hill to get to the down hill, that is when they are amazing!  The last part of the hill, the part I probably hate the most, is the crest. The part of the hill when you aren't quite to the top. You see and feel the top, maybe even see the downhill side of it but you are just not...quite... there. You can't celebrate but you don't know if you keep the motivational thoughts flowing much longer to get you past that last part... of.... the hill.  Then you get to the top and give yourself a grin, maybe even a laugh because it is just a hill.  Did it really think it could defeat you.

Sushi and Ants

Sooooo, I think I've fallen into the Sushi-craze.  It all started when my friend received some gift certificates to a sushi place here in town.  Her boyfriend didn't want to go with her so she invited me and another friend out for a girls night out.

We didn't really know what to order so we just order what our server suggested based on our taste preferences and lack of sushi experience.  I was a little wary at first but everything was delicious.  Since then I have just been waiting for an excuse to go out to eat sushi. Tonight I found my excuse :)

I was sitting at work, swamped as usual, when I heard a commercial for a new sushi restaurant.  I immediately started craving it as I tried to get back to work.  I then remember seeing a 3 course dinner special at a new sushi place that ends tomorrow.  I thought perfect my excuse would be, "there's this great special and I would really like to go to this new place".  Boyfriend was all for it, didn't even have to give him the full spiel.  Of course, when I offered to buy, I'm sure that was all the convincing he needed ;)

So we go to the sushi place and after we're done eating I feel that I have sated my sushi fix.  Then as I'm getting ready for bed, I start thinking "I wonder how hard it would be to make sushi from home?"  Another voice in my head says "Uh-oh, this isn't going to be good. surely picking up a sushi 'hobby' will not be a good thing for your bank account."  It is taking everything I have to not google, pinterest, search all things sushi!!

What am I going to do with my self?!

Ants....
I hate them.  Not because they sometimes crawl on you or that the only true way to kill them is to smooch them with your finger. But because they seem to come from thin air and you never really know if you've ever gotten rid of them. Also because if you do find one on you, you get that crawly feeling all over you     :(

Yea about that...

The last we talked I was starting my "get fit" journey. Well I took the next day off (the 10th) because I was pretty sore from my first day.  The morning of the 11th I had my bag packed and ready to go to the gym right after work.  This way I would avoid the temptation to plop on the couch when I got home.

My work day was kind of rough and it was 9/11 so I was kind of gloomy.  As the day wore on I kept trying to lighten myself up and by the time 5pm hit. I was feeling great.  The sun had came out, I was grateful for all the amazing things I have in my life and was ready to hit the gym.  As I was leaving the office I had to drop off the mail and their were two different ways I could take to drop off the mail and still not drive to far out of the way to go to the gym.  I decided to take the way I usually take home and was in for quite a surprise.

I had my windows rolled down, my headphones in and was jamming out to the radio on my nano when I started feeling grateful that my amazing boyfriend got me such a great gift. As I was getting into my left turn lane, I notice up the way a white van had taken their right turn too wide, I didn't think anything of it just that I had done it before myself. The next thing I know the van is practically in my lap and my car gets whipped around so I'm facing the wrong way in a turn lane.  The only thing I was aware of at that moment was my head hurts and there is glass everywhere.  There were people coming up to my windows asking me if I'm ok, if I can move. All I could say was "Am I bleeding?"  Each person said no.

A gentleman comes up to my window and asks me if I'm ok and if I can get out.  I told him yea I think so.  The driver door is smashed in so I carefully make my way to the passenger door.  I'm shaken and do my best to maneuver around all the little cubes of shatter glass.  He walks me to the other side of the street so  I can be safe out of the way of traffic.  I asked him if the other driver is ok, he told me yes, just shaken.  He walk back over to her car and I call my boyfriend.  This whole time, I feel calm, I start going over my checklist of what I need to do next.

My boyfriend answers I tell him I was just in an accident, I'm ok, I have a little scratch on my arm but I'm ok.  I'm not even sure if I got all of those words out because the moment I start talking, my calmness leaves me and reality hits. He asks me where I am, I gave him the intersection and before I could say anything else he said "I'm on my way".

I see that the other driver is a young girl and is talking to the man who helped me out of my car.  I decided I would go over and let her know I'm ok.  As I walk to her, she is discussing with the man if she should call her dad or not.  The man told her that if it was his daughter, he would want the phone call no matter what.  I look at the damage to her car, a slight crack to the headlight and corner bumper. In my head I think "O this isn't bad at all".  I look down the turn lane at my 92 Buick and my heart sinks.

The whole driver side, from the middle of the front door all the way past the gas tank, was smashed in.  Both windows were shattered.  The cop came and took all of our information and set up everything for the tow truck to come out.  My boyfriend came and was there to see my poor car get towed away. He told me that had I been driving a car like his (small 2 door), I would be in a lot worse shape. I agreed.

Had it not been for that 92 Buick that my younger brother gave to me 3 years prior, who knows what would have happened.  I told him that I was debating taking a different route home that day.  He said if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else and maybe even more vehicles had she not hit the car in the turn lane first.  I recalled then a lady who came up to my window.  She had gotten out of a minivan that had 2 little ones in the back.  If all I got was a scratch on my arm and a totaled vehicle, I would take that any day knowing that it may have saved a life.

Just another little reminder that everything happens for a reason.

I'm Baaaack

Hello yet again blog-o-sphere.  I feel like I've made several of these posts,"sorry its been awhile" " I promise I'll be better about posting new posts"  bla bla bla

I've decided that I'm going to start getting in shape.  I'm really doing it this time. For some reason I feel like saying that is just like when I say "I promise I'll be better about posting". BUT MAYBE, if I start posting about my fitness progress then I'll have more accountability for both aspects.

Please don't worry, this is not going to turn into a health blog but its just another thing to discuss and to share with you.  I've found lately that I need another creative outlet.  So here goes..

Day 1: Today I was at work and a lady in her late 30s early 40s came in and she looked good. She was toned, looked healthy and still had good curves.  It made me want to go to the gym.  Soo I told my boyfriend that I was going to the gym. Throughout the day I was found myself excited to start fresh on my new "get fit" journey.

I got off work about 45mins late, I still had to take the mail to the post office and by the time I got home and changed it was already almost 6:30.  I started coming up with all the excuses I usually had, "well its too late maybe I should just go in the morning"  "its pretty warm out and I just got done sweating all the way home from work"  "I'm pretty hungry, maybe I should start making dinner".   Eventually with a little pep talk from my boyfriend, I reluctantly found myself out the door with my iPod in my ears.

First day, done and done.  Now the harder part.... going back :/

It's Been Too Long

It has been to long time since I've graced my blog with my presence   Sorry about that.  I feel like my mind is always racing with these crazy ideas but then when I get to this space, they've all raced away.  Lately I feel like I'm waiting for my life to happen and every time I try to get something going in my life, I fail miserably and am stuck 2 steps back from where I started.  so I just sit here and wait, and wait, and wait.

I have the urge to run away today.  Just run away from all the stresses of work, all the worries of money, and all the pressures of society. So because I don't have the means or finances to run away, I've mapped out a 3.1 mile run for this evening.  I've only ever run about 1.75 without having to stop so I guess we will see how it goes.

Random Tangent

I have been itching to make another post but not really sure what to write about.  So I'll just go off of my initial premise of the blog, "A Blank Page", just typing and letting my mind take me where ever it takes me... All I'm coming up with is how I think the words "at least" and "a lot"  should be one word.  I find that I do that a lot.  Also for what ever reason I keep accidentally using " instead of ' when making abbreviations.  I don't know why but its really getting on my nerves because I feel I type fairly well.

Ok so you don't want to read about my rantings about typing.... I suppose if blogging were easy everyone would do it.  Some even make it a career.  I would like that if I had more ideas to write about. But sometimes I feel like the subjects I think I should write about, others wouldn't enjoy.  Or they would read but then afterwards feel like they just wasted 10 minutes of their life reading through a garbage post.

I used to write in my notebooks all the time when I couldn't pay attention in class because I had something on my mind.  It always seemed to help get it out of my head and on paper.  Sometimes I'll come across an old notebook with random pages written on, and read what was on my mind that day. Random pages is always key because if someone found your book they would usually only look at the end or the beginning. Sometimes I would read an entry and think "wow, I really was crazy." Other ones I would laugh and some I would even fill sad for the past me.  Which is kind of ridiculous because whatever it was, I already went through it. Why in the heck would I make myself feel that again.  But it does remind me of where I've been and how far I've come.  So that part is helpful.

I guess if you can take anything away from this, if you feel you ever have some things on your mind that you can't talk about with someone, just write it down.  After you write it down, don't re-read it, just close the notebook or put away the paper.  Don't throw it away just yet, it could help you later down the road. Also if you just throw it away it might give you a negative feeling. It doesn't have to be in perfect handwriting or grammatically correct. Just get all of those thoughts on paper. Who knows, maybe as you're writing you'll come up with an answer or a solution that you wouldn't have thought of before.

My Valentine's Day History

So in honor of the upcoming (faux) holiday, I thought I would take a look back at my history of Valentine's Days.  It all started in 2002.  I just had my first kiss the January before.  But the guy I was dating at the time decided that he would break up with me on Feb 2nd. 2/2/2002 to be exact, which started my hatred of the number 2 but that's a story for another day.  So although I thought that was going to be my first Valentine's Day that I celebrated with a significant other, it was not.  Later that year, I moved to another school and started dating a guy that fall.  So in February of 2003, I got to celebrate my first Valentine's day with a boy (imagine little-high-school-girl giggle here).

The guy that I had my "first Valentine's" with, I dated for almost 5 year so there were lots of V-days in there.   I do know that on my first one I got a teddy bear that he had sprayed with his cologne and a card (and some flowers?) The first and second get mixed up.  On one of them I made him a 2 layered, heart shaped, german chocolate cake with the coconut frosting because that was his favorite dessert. I brought it to school with me to surprise him with it.  That was disaster.  He had to leave school early to go to a wrestling meet and couldn't take it with him because it would have been a mess and it he couldn't eat it because he had to "make weight".  I don't remember what I ended up doing with it, I just remember that I was extremely embarrassed and crushed that I went through all the effort to make him, what I thought was a thoughtful gift, to be essentially turned down.

The other V-days I spent with him all kind of blend together.  But I did some mild digging through my boxes of old stuff and 2005 Valentines day he was going to college down in KS and I was still in high school. I don't remember what happened but, there is a sad face :( on that day in my planner.  So I'm going to guess that it didn't end well. In 2006 we both would have been in Kearney going to school.  I found a planner for this year and apparently we "broke up" on 2/9 that year.  I'm not sure when we got back together but I know we were back together mid March.  I don't remember what happened in 2007.  But apparently nothing spectacular happened because I can't remember them.  I'm sure back then I could tell you exactly what happened.

In 2008, I believe I was single.  In 2009, I was "seeing" a guy but we just went out for dinner a couple days before or a couple of days after. I think it was at that dinner that we both realized we didn't have much in common.  The February of 2010 may very well be my last "single" Valentines Day.  I believe I spent that one getting annihilated off of a mixed drink recipe I threw together called "Love Potion".  But as I recall, it was a pretty awesome night.

In February 2011 I celebrated my first Valentine's Day with my current boyfriend.  It also happened to be our 6 month anniversary. He got me a dozen red roses that were delivered to me at work and then we went out to Red Lobster for dinner.  He got there early so that he could put our names on the list because it was over an hour wait.  I remember walking up to the restaurant and seeing him standing there in his suit jacket and button up shirt.  He was so handsome, he literally took my breath away. We were planning on seeing a movie after word but with how long everything took, we just ended up postponing that part of the date.  Our second Valentine's Day he had another dozen roses delivered to me at work but this time they were beautifully multi-colored roses. Then for dinner we decided to skip the long waits at the restaurants and stay at home.  We made lasagna together, chocolate covered strawberries for dessert and a bottle of champagne we had left over from New Years Eve.  We even ate most of it by candlelight.  It was a very romantic evening.

Now it's our third Valentine's together and I feel like a kid the day before Christmas.  I don't even care what he gets me.  I'm just so excited knowing that tomorrow night we get to have a night where we cook a special dinner together.  And looking back at all the crumby valentine's days that I have had and it just makes me that much more grateful that I have such a loving man in my life.

So to those of you out there that are single, I suggest searching for a fun drink you can mix and get drunk off of, getting a group of single friends together and play some good ol' fashion drinking games.  You'll get the sweet sappy Valentine's Day another year.  To those of you who are in a relationship, I hope yours is filled with love and happiness.  Just don't forget to continue the trend throughout the year :)

Blast from the past

I've always heard this expression but never really understood it until the other day.  I was in a store and I saw someone from my past, it took me completely off guard, it was if I had been blasted right back to my past where I once knew this person.  I never got to know this person very well but I immediately started to thinking about how they were doing, did they have kids, what were they doing in Lincoln, did they live here? Then I started thinking about her family and how they were doing.  Then it my mind took a trip to where I was in my life when I met her and all the things I had been through since. It felt like I went back years in my mind and contemplated every decision I've made since we met. I feel that this is a very short description compared to what my mind went through that day.    It was crazy!  Even though I didn't say anything to her, I was definitely blasted by the past.

One Year!

I was just making a post over on my song page when I realized the first post I did on that page was at the end of December.  I then thought to myself "Huh, that's almost a year ago, I should definitely make a post at my one year mark"......   Well I missed it :(  My very first post was on 11/28/2011.  I guess instead of being sad about it I should just continue on with my, spur of the moment, "One Year" post.

I realized that I have not being blogging nearly as much as I had hoped I would.  I really wish I could blame it on how busy my life has been but, my life really hasn't been that busy.  At the beginning of this year I had a second job, now I don't.  Then I moved to a new apartment. My sister came home for a brief bit after she graduated from TBS in North Carolina. I got to see Def Leppard, Poison, and Barenaked Ladies in concert  I turned 25.  My little sister turned 21.  I went out to California to visit my sister.  I made my first turkey and hosted a potluck Thanksgiving dinner.  I think that brings us to present day.  Looking back on the year there is really only one thing I wish I would have done.  I wish I would have made a bigger deal about my 25th birthday.  It was mid October when I thought to myself, "I should really do something awesome for my 25th birthday."  Then I realized that I was about 2 months too late for that idea.  Don't get me wrong, I had a great birthday but, it was much like my 24th birthday.  I then told myself that "O well, I'll just party twice as hard next year." But at the same time, why should I celebrate when that next birthday means I'm no longer in my early 20s. I would then be in my upper 20s and that much closer to the dreaded 30. (I made a very disgusted face as typed that).  I just have to keep telling myself that 30 can't be that bad.....right?

Anyway, I know that you'll probably read lots of "end-of-the-year reflections" and I guess that's what my "One Year" post kind of turned into.  But for all of you that do read my sparse blog, "THANK YOU!"  Thank you for reading and sticking around, I will try to keep with it and do it better :)

Lovely airport internet

Sooo, I'm waiting for my flight from Phoenix to Orange County CA and the internet is too slow to do much of anything. And since I have about 3 hours until my flight, I thought, hey why not blog.  There are lots of things I could probably blog about while sitting at the airport.  The non-stop people watching capabilities, the security checkpoints, the high priced food.... There is such an abundance of people watching, I can't stay focused for very long on a certain person and/or group. The security really wasn't that bad and the high priced food... well it was to be expected.

How about we talk about my fear of flying.  There are those people who are afraid that they are going to die in a plane crash. Then there are those people who are afraid of the very tight spaces.  My fear includes both of these and another part.  I am also afraid of getting sick on the airplane.  My very first flight I had to make use of those lovely bags they provide you with.  The second time I flew was over seas to Italy, I had my trusty motion sickness medicine.  Not only did this help with the motion sickness but it also knocked me out so I wasn't even able to think about the other two things.  The only problem with motion sickness medicine is even though it says "non-drowsy" it can still put you to sleep.  Which isn't a problem if you're traveling with people.  But if I'm traveling by myself, which I am, its hard for me to trust that I will be alert for any messages that would pertain to me.

The only thing good about flying is you get that faster. No long drives or having to drive until all hours of the night. Just jump on a plane and get there a matter of hours (that is if your flights are on time).  Currently, the flight that I am waiting for is suppose to take off in about an hour. It has been delayed so now I have about a 3 hour wait... Another thing I dislike about airports.  If you are suppose to leave at a certain time and get somewhere at a certain time, why doesn't it always happen that way.  I'm sure there are lost of things that can happen to cause a flight to delay but, how long have we been utilizing airplanes and the airport transit system? You would think by now we would have backup plans or planes.

I should stop complaining but, now I'm stuck in this airport until my plane shows up, with a horrible internet connection and all of this delicious smelling food that is too expensive to justify the purchase. I have this blog post to keep me busy, for about...30 minutes.  I guess I'll just keep trying to get my internet to move faster.

Thanks for listening to my bored rantings. Happy Thanksgiving!

This song reminds me of...

Isn't great how a simple song or melody can take you back.  When it happens, it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing but it can stop you in your tracks.  It happens to me often but, thankfully they are usually fun and/or ridiculous memories that will make me give a quick smile or a small chuckle.  Then there are those memories that make you smile and shake you're head because it reminds you of those times when you were young and dumb.  Unfortunately there are those that creep up every once in a while that you wish you could undo, take back, correct.  After some reflection, those you try to put in a dark corner to try and forget about.

But that's all I wanted to say was how great memories are and how pleasant it is when a song or moment can take you back to a happy one.

So it has been almost 3 months...

Hello!  I promise I did not die but I do apologize for all the dead air.  I have been extremely busy these last three months, between working my second job (which I quit btw), training for the Warrior Dash, and moving, life has been crazy!

Mostly though I would like to talk about moving.  Why do we put ourselves through this?  I know for some its the upgrade in living quarters, for some its the location and some its just because you need something new.  But man o man, I sure hope I don't have to move again for a while.  I've moved 7 times in the last 6 years, I want to stay put!  I just hope the new place that we moved into holds up.  The only other place I'd be ok with moving into, is a new house but, since I still have over $25K in student loans and some pretty hefty credit card bills,  I don't see that happening anytime soon.  I'm really ok with that though because like I said, I just want to stay put for awhile.

We've pretty much settled in but there is still so many boxes of things I can seem to bring myself to get rid of.  I'm far from "hoarder" status but after moving so many times it feels like I'm moving boxes and boxes of unnecessary things. Things that I forgot I even had.  You would think that after you've forgotten it you would be ok with getting rid of it right? I wish!  When I find things that I have forgotten about I simply reminisce with them and become only more attached.  I'm telling myself that I need to go through the mounds of boxes that I have stacked in my closet but, I'm afraid  to get re-attached to items that I'm sure I could get rid of.  So maybe if I wait long enough then I will forget the importance of the things completely. Then I can get rid of the things that I didn't really need to hold on to in the first place.

But I suppose that's all for now.  I promise I won't wait so long to post another post next time but, thank you for coming back.  I'm looking for a new song to post as well so stay tuned

A Few Little Tweaks

Ok, so keeping up with a blog takes more work than I thought it would.  I thought "how hard could it be to type a little something at  least just once a week."  Well it seems harder and harder to find things that I feel I can write about that won't bore people.  Unless of course I've already done that then....  Well thanks for being patient with me :). I think I touched a little about that in my last blog, trying to find things to write about that other people might be able to relate to or are worthy of posting.

Anywho, I don't really have anything to really say in this blog other than I've added a couple new gadgets on the side.  Not sure if I will keep them or not but thought I would test them out.  Also I've updated the "Song of the Week" title.  I feel that it has turned into false advertising and feel bad for not being able to keep up with that.  Hopefully, instead of feeling rushed in trying to find a song every week, I can spend more time looking for new songs that have really grabbed my ear or older songs that mean a lot to me.

So just going to try out some different things and we'll see how it goes :)

Lack of Posts

Sorry I don't post much on here, but I haven't had much to talk about.  The days sort of just run together and before I know it its the weekend.  Then I blink and it's Monday again.  Life just seems to swirl around me and sometimes I'm lucky enough to pause to enjoy the simple things of life.

I don't even know why I started a blog anyway.  It's not like I feel passionate about anything that is really happening in the world right now.  All I know is that things are really messed up in the world and they all seemed to be connected to each other.  So if you're going to fight for one cause then you have to choose a side and be knowledgeable about everything else too.  And who knows if you're getting all the facts unless you're getting your information from lots of different sources because if you don't then you're probably only getting one side of the story.

I haven't been following the race for president too well but, the things I do see really don't give me much hope.  They're just saying things and making promises that all presidents do but really all they want is money and power.  When are we going to have a president who wants to be president because they want to change things and make things better for this country and not be greedy or power hungry.  I know that Obama hasn't done everything that he's promised but honestly at this point I feel better about having him as president for the next 4 years than putting any of the other candidates in charge of things.  But again I haven't been following the race probably as close as a should but I just get this feeling that if we elect another president, we'll be worse off than what we are now.

Again I'm not choosing sides but something else to think about is, how can anyone really get much done in 4 years anyway. With everything having to take such a long process to get things passed and changed, no one could get everything they want changed in that time frame. I mean when Obama did try to rush things everyone was up in arms about it, I don't blame them, no big decision should be made lightly.  But again that brings me back to my point I don't think any person can get much done in 4 years.

I probably won't vote this year though.  I don't like the candidates that are running and I'm not completely ok with re-voting for Obama either. I would just rather not have any of them in office. But like I mentioned before I started venting about politics,  I can't really feel passionate or get into the elections because I don't know where to go for the real facts that aren't made biased by media and I don't know about all the issues that are happening right now so how can I really choose a side.

How did we become who we are

Have you ever thought about how you became who you are? Why you have the personality you do? Or have you ever looked backed as far back as a child and wondered how you changed from that to this?

Let me give you a personal example.  When I was a kid, before my parents divorce, I was a very happy child.  Then sometime after the divorce it seemed that I was always extremely mad or sad all the time.  I would say mean things to people and beat up on my siblings. Then when I would go to bed, I remember feeling like an awful person for being so mean and I would try to make sense of why I was so mad all the time.  When I could never find an answer, I was afraid there was something wrong with me.

Being sad was easier than being mad because when I was sad I would just cry it out and then just think of how my life could be worse and it would calm me. [Maybe this is why I'm always preparing for worst case scenarios?]  But I look at how I am now and I'm hardly ever mad or sad and I'm oddly optimistic.  Granted, I still have my moments just like everyone else.  But it's interesting to think about. I have a couple moments I think caused the turning point in not having such angry or sad emotions.

The first one was when I was probably in the 6th grade, or possibly Jr. High School, and we were with my Dad.  We were in the car and I was fighting and yelling with one of my siblings and my Dad calmly says something along the lines of "Why do you have to yell?" It made us stop yelling and think.  We tried to tell him why we were yelling and he just replied "Why can't you discuss it in normal voices, because yelling won't solve things any faster."  It was probably something that we had heard hundreds of times before but coming from my Dad, it seemed to have a different impact.  The other moment that I think had an impact on me is hard to remember exactly when or when it happened.  I just remember either hearing or coming across a saying that said something like, for every moment you spend upset is a moment of happiness you can never get back. [I don't take credit for this saying but I just can't remember where it came from or who said it].  I shortly came to the realization that life is too short to be sad all the time.  So I changed it.  It sounds too easy I know but, I just remember not liking how I felt about life and changed how I felt.  I think that I still use the "it could be worse" method a lot and I think it helps.  Because if you feel like you're having a bad day, think about how it could be worse and know that its possible someone else could be having a worse day.

I know this post is getting kind of lengthy but, I was just curious if anyone else ever thinks about how you became who you are.  

2nd Job

So I start my training for my second job on Monday...  I'm excited for the idea of having more money so that I can really start taking care of my debt so I the idea of getting a car or saving to buy a house won't be just dreaming.  Although I fear that I'll lose my free time, my me time.  The time I get during my week to forget everything else and just do the things I want to.  Especially since my job is burning me out more and more because I'm just tired of doing the same thing everyday.  I guess though if I can make enough money than I can pay off my debts and get a decent computer and afford design software so I can refine my creative design skills.  Then I might be able to amp up my creative portfolio and either do some free-lance work or start working for a company doing things that I really enjoy.  Don't get me wrong, in my current job I love the part that I get to help people.  What I don't like is feeling like I'm the bottom of the totem pole and not being appreciated or respected.  Granted I will probably feel that way no matter what position I am in unless I become some one's boss.  I did that once and it wasn't so bad but, then I just keep getting confronted with my largest flaw, I'm too nice.  Yes being too nice is a flaw and it's also probably why I feel trapped at my current job.

Even if I did find another job I feel like I wouldn't be able to just put in my two weeks and peace out.  It would take months to find and train another person to even just understand the surface of what to do. I suppose though if I keep getting treated the way I do then they will just give me ever reason I need to leave.  I'm a college graduate, I have a degree, and I was on the Dean's list my last 3 semesters of college.  I'm smart and talented.  I quit my last job because I felt that if I went to college than I should be doing a job that requires a college education, not a job you could get as a high school student.  But some how I'm still in a job where any responsible adult could handle, college degree or not.

The worst part is, there isn't much I can do about it right now.  I need the money and there are hardly any good paying entry level positions these days. Everyone wants someone with experience and I can't get experience if no one else will hire me.  Or the positions that are out there are purely sale based and I can't sell something to save my life.

All this talk is starting to be to depressing.  I'll start my second job, make enough money to pay off my debt, get that decent computer and design software, create an impressive portfolio, and start pursuing the career that I went to college for, a creative designer for advertising (if something else hasn't come along that I find that I love doing).  Until then, all I can do is take one day at a time and strive to be in a better spot than I am now a year from now. So I guess wish me luck as a start my second job and hope that my sanity stays in tact :)

Getting-Healthy Diet

I started a new food regimen yesterday.  It requires that I mix this incredibly nutritious soy mix into a shake/smoothie and have one for breakfast and lunch everyday for at least 30 days.  I am also suppose to eat "reasonable" snacks and have at least one reasonable meal (supper/dinner).  So far I've done such and I've even made it to the gym yesterday and today.  Although today driving back from the gym I drove past all these food places and I thought to myself what will I eat for lunch and it hit me.  I don't get to eat lunch, I'm suppose to drink lunch.  I won't get to eat breakfast either for another 28 days.  The shakes really aren't that bad, now that my boyfriend showed me how to make them.  It's the idea that I won't be able to actually "eat" breakfast or lunch for another month.  It'll be tough but I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be healthier.  After quitting my waitress job for an office job, I've gained a lot of weight and I know that my body is taking the toll because of it.  And after I'm done with these 30 days, I know that keeping the weight off and staying healthy will be even harder than this next month will be.  So here's to being done with day number 2, only 28 days more to go.  Wish me luck!

Small Moments

The other day I was getting out of my car and I experienced something that has happened to my once before.  It had been fairly windy all day.  It was night time and snow had started to gently fall.  I had parked my car and was getting ready to brace myself from the cold wind I would face when I stepped out of my car.  Instead I stepped out of my car and turned around and saw something marvelous.  I must have been a wind break because the snow was falling so slowing and the light in the parking lot was just in the right spot. I could make out the unique shapes of each snowflake.  It was so peaceful and beautiful that I almost cried.  Everything that seemed to be wrong or troubling just fell away and all there was peace.  

The only other time I remember a moment like that happening. I was a Freshman in high school and I was just getting home from play or speech practice. It was a brisk night but the stars were so bright and the sky was so clear.  In that moment too I can still remember the feeling of peace and I remember just feeling completely overwhelmed with the beauty of it all that I did cry.  I don't think I cried just because of the sight but also because I felt like a horrible person because there is an amazing and beautiful world out there and the things that took precedence over my concerns and worries, seemed so minuscule. 

I do know that both moments after I felt bad, I thanked God for all the wonderful things he had given me.  Now looking back on both incidents, maybe those moments were also little gifts from above.  Putting me in the right moment so I could take a moment and refocus myself on the things that are truly important in life. 

I just wanted to share these moments with you so that hopefully the next time to witness something beautiful in the world you can truly appreciate it for everything that it is.  

End of 2011

Ok so I know that everyone does the end-of-the-year reflections but I feel like this year I can look back at the year and for the first time since I was probably 15, I can look back and not feel horrible for something that I had done or feel sad about how something changed or turned out. Wow since I was 15... is that sad or what. That's 8 New Year's.  A lot of the things I did though brought me here and made me who I am so, for the most part I have to look at them as lessons, not regrets.  I used to be proud to say that I didn't have any regrets but, looking back, there is one thing that I do regret.  Something that I thought I could eventually forgive myself for and forget about it.  But unfortunately it will be something that I will always carry around with me. And it's sad that in this moment, of finally being able to look back at this year, 2011, and feel happy,  I have just now finally realized that I do regret it.  That's big.  But maybe knowing that I do regret something, I can just live that much more diligently trying to make sure I don't regret anything else.  So is the thing I regret doing really a regret or is it just another one of life's lessons?

It's funny because I started this blog with the intention of reflecting back on 2011 and be able to report that nothing absolutely horrible happened.  Instead of titling this blog "End of 2011" it should be title "Lessons or Regrets".  But that would mean my intention of this blog would have been to come out and talk about my lessons and regret and it wasn't.  It just sort of happened.  I've sort have lost everything I was going to reflect about now.  I think I've just blown myself away.  I must say though that I am extremely grateful for all the great things, no matter how small, that happened in 2011.  I know that sometimes I felt like I might not make it and it would've been easy to mope around and claim defeat but with great optimism and faith, I have survived another year of this crazy thing called life.   I hope that you have all had a great year as well.  And even though year end reflections can be kind of overdone, you might be surprised what you discover.

Happy New Year,
See ya in 2012!

Over Analyzing

Staring at my blank page once again, I have all these thoughts that I could put out there but then I find myself dismissing them before I even get a chance to start.  So I'm going to try to just start typing and see where my thought process leads me.

I think that the biggest issue I have is that I am constantly over thinking everything.  I usually a very optimistic person but really in my head I'm always thinking worst case scenarios.  It's a constant battle that I have with myself at least twenty times a day.  Does anyone else have that problem? And does anyone have that problem to the point that it effects the relationships you have with people? I feel like I'm constantly thinking worst case scenario when the smallest thing goes wrong.  I'll give you an example, you're out with a couple of your friends, you leave to go get another drink and when you're coming back to the place where your friends are you see that they're having an intense conversation but as soon as you get within ear shot they stop talking.  You ask them what they were talking about and they say "o nothing, just stuff about work."  You want to believe them and for the first couple of minutes you do. Until you start thinking about all the little details, the body language, the possibility that they could be really texting each other, "the vibe" they are now sending you.  But are they really sending you a bad vibe? Or do you just think they are because you think they were talking about you behind your back. You're able to get through the night with it just rolling off your shoulders but, when you get home or wake up in the morning, you can't help but overplay the events of the night into the smallest details and analyzing everything, (at least the parts you remember). 

Now I don't really have this problem too much anymore because 1) I don't go out very much anymore and 2) when I do it's just me and one other person so the chance of them talking behind my back is fairly slim. Unless.... they have another personality that I don't know about. I go through things like that on a daily basis, with my co-workers, my family, my boyfriend,  I'm just constantly over-analyzing everything.  And since I'm usually optimistic I try to tell myself that I'm wrong and that the worst case scenario is simply ridiculous but then I go back to the little detail that started me on the analyzing in the first place.  It's a vicious cycle but sometimes I wander if maybe I have another personality.  Either way, it's effecting some of the best relationships I have and something needs to change.

I putting this question out there feel free to ponder, feel free to comment, or/and feel free to never read this blog again because by the end of this you feel that you'll never get that 15 minutes back in you life.
How do you fix over analyzing your life without over analyzing?  Is it possible without going to a shrink?  Or should I just tell myself that it's who I am and the people in my life will just have to be patient with me if I come up with ridiculous scenarios when something minuscule happens?